A Woman Scorned A Stephanie Plum Story
by Zanica Black
Summary: Jeanne Ellen Burrows thought she was dating Ranger at the time in Eight when Ranger and Stephanie settled their deal and now she's out for REVENGE!  Fuller summary inside. Will have slashy goodness but no love story in this, all in the name of Revenge R
1. Revenge?

**Title: A Woman Scorned; A Stephanie Plum Story.****  
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**Rating: **M (to the max)**  
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**Warnings: **Uh... Not much for this chapter but next chapter we should get down to business... there might even be multiple chapters if I can work myself up to it... There will be sex between two men in a slightly forced situation [no rape but... still not quite consensual... There will be a lot of "the f word" going around I think. And there will be a lot of Naked Ranger. And Naked Morelli. But I think Naked Ranger is more dangerous... You might melt from the hot flashes... ;)**  
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**Spoilers: **I don't think there are any direct spoilers... If you haven't read 10 you won't know who Ella is but even if something was a spoiler it isn't worded in a way that would make it stand out as a truth among the fiction. So you won't notice any... OH! Huge event in like... 8 I think it was, is spoiled having to do with Ranger's "debt" deal with Stephanie.**  
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**Summary: **Well, Ranger was dating Jeanne-Ellen Burrows. He thought he'd made it clear to her they were over but, you know how Ranger is... He probably said something cryptic and assumed she just knew what he was talking about. Soon after the alleged break up, Ranger and Stephanie settled their "deal" in the bedroom. Turns out Jeanne-Ellen didn't know they'd broken up so when she found out about it she was understandably upset. This is time for some REVENGE. (or... a workable situation so I can make Ranger and Morelli sex since there isn't any I've ever found...)

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A woman's rage is a very powerful thing. I know this from personal experience, seeing as how I'd walked in on my ex-husband doing the nasty with Joyce Barnhardt on the dining room table before I'd even finished picking out the living room curtains. To say I was a woman scorned was to say the least and to say hell had no fury, well, that was the understatement of the year. We had a loud messy divorce that lasted longer than our marriage but afterwards I was satisfied with the thought of never having to see his ugly mug again.

My name is Stephanie Plum and I work for my cousin Vinnie's bail bonds office. I was satisfied with not having to see him again but I can understand how another woman wouldn't be. The extent of my drive for revenge was limited to leaving big Bob-sized dog poops on Joyce's lawn and occasionally trying to throttle Dickie when contact with him was unavoidable.

I could understand Jeanne-Ellen Burrows' motivation perfectly, I'd even agree with her if her plans for revenge didn't involve not only the guilty party but also two innocent bystanders as well. And I suppose I'm not as innocent as I'd like to believe I am, seeing as how I was the proverbial slut on the dining room table in this instance, but at least I hadn't known he'd had a girlfriend!

I'd known Ranger was trouble from the moment I met him but trouble had finally come to call. Ranger's the primo bounty hunter around here and he's sort of like Batman mixed with Rambo… I'm not entirely sure he's human.

I guess that would be how I'd ended up sitting on the floor of Jeanne-Ellen's big black van's floor, handcuffed to the headrest of the passengers seat with a very big very cold gun pressed to my temple. I was trying hard not to panic but it was difficult when I thought back to all the fantasies I'd had right after the divorce involving a big black van, a gun, and Joyce.

"Calm down, I'm not planning on hurting you. You're just the leverage. If you promise not to scream I'll even put the gun down."

I slid a glance at her. She _looked _like she was being honest. I nodded slowly and the gun was lowered to the floor.

"I understand why you're doing this," I quavered, "but what exactly are you planning to do?"

She grinned an evil grin, "Just a little public humilation, that's all."

"And what do you need Morelli for?"

Morelli was my on again off again, currently deciding whether to be off again, Trenton cop boyfriend who at times of great sexual need or when great danger is present in my life wants me to quit my job and marry him. Back in high school he used to be the womanizing teenage terror with a great ass and a lizard tongue who seduced girls behind counters at their place of occupation, okay that might have just been me, and now… Well he's kept the great ass and the lizard tongue but he seems to have left the womanizing behind in favor of focusing his intense sex drive on one person. Me.

"Well, I don't need Morelli specifically but you work as leverage for both him _and _Ranger so I figured it  
would be easier that way."

Hm. I guess that made sense.

"I need a doughnut."

Jeanne-Ellen let out a sharp bark of laughter, "I was just thinking the same exact thing."

Ten minutes and a dozen doughnuts later found the two of us in the parking lot of the Dunkin' Donuts and me in a considerably calmer state now that I had only one hand attached to the headrest and a full debriefing on the plan.

I felt a little sorry for Morelli since he was the innocent party in all of this and he was probably going to be pretty pissed if he found out this was all because I'd slept with Ranger, but I had to admit it was a pretty brilliant plan. Especially since all I had to do was get Ranger and Morelli here and help her work the cameras.I'd been shocked and appalled when I'd first heard what she had planned for them but Lula told me earlier that my horoscope said I needed to be open to new experiences and not discriminate against things I don't know anything about. So… I'm willing to give this a try.

_  
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, _

_  
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing._

"Yo."

"I have a problem."

"When don't you?"

"Good point."

"What's up?"

"I'm sitting handcuffed in Jeanne-Ellen's van with a gun pointed at me."

"…Babe."

"Shut up! It's your own damn fault this time! Just get your ass up here before she actually hurts me or  
something!"

"…"

"Ranger?"

"I'm waiting for you to remember you didn't tell me where here was yet."

"You're laughing at me."

I glared at the phone.

"Do I sound like I'm laughing?"

Yep, definitely at least smiling at the phone and from him, that was just as bad.

"I thought I heard a smile."

"All seriousness on my end babe. Maybe you want to tell me where you are now?"

"Dunkin' Donuts. Half a mile down Hamilton."

I heard him disconnect and immediately dialed Morelli.

"Did your car blow up?"

"No. Why would you-"

"Did you shoot someone?"

"What? No!"

"Did you somehow stumble upon a dead body by way of mysteriously broken windows or conveniently  
unlocked doors?"

"Suppose I just wanted to say hi?"

I fumed at the phone when he didn't respond.

"Or suppose I just got lonely and wanted to have some company?"

"Do you want to have… company?"

"NO!" I shouted at the phone.

"Exactly, you only ever call when you need help. So what do you need?"

I put my finger to my eye to calm the twitch that was preparing to rear it's ugly head like it so often  
did in times of great irritation.

"Dunkin' Donuts. Half mile down Hamilton. Get here."

"You gonna give me a reason?"

"No."

"Be there in a few."

When he disconnected, I very calmly put the phone down and practiced my deep breathing. I was feeling better about Morelli's part in this scheme by the second.

I smiled at Jeanne-Ellen and she grinned back as she nodded out the window. Ranger's black truck and Morelli's SUV were turning into the parking lot at the same time from opposite directions.

They parked next to each other and exchanged a calculating look, then switched their gazes to the big black van sitting in the corner. Morelli gave a small nod of greeting to Ranger. Ranger gave a smaller one back and they walked silently towards the van together.

Jeanne-Ellen let me out of the other cuff and slid open the side door, holding the gun to my head again. I did my best to look panicked.

"Don't move." She said quietly.

They'd both frozen as soon as the door had opened but after she spoke Ranger slowly removed his  
hand from his gun.

"Get in the car or I'll blow her brains out."

I shifted uncomfortably, that snarl had sounded awful serious.

"Its not loaded." She hissed to me out of the corner of her mouth as the two men cautiously moved towards the van.

"Morelli, take the two pairs of handcuffs and give one to Ranger."

After Morelli had given Ranger his pair they looked up for further instruction.

"Now handcuff yourselves behind the others back."

Morelli and Ranger stared at one another for a moment then stiffly moved over to each other. Morelli  
reached around Ranger, making sure to keep as much space between them as possible, and cuffed his wrists together. Ranger attempted to cuff his hands behind Morelli's back without moving closer but had no success. With a small grimace he stepped forward into Morelli's personal space and managed to cuff his other wrist.

I was having to work very very hard to keep my frightened expression believable when I was cackling with glee inside at their discomfort. What can I say, I was liking this revenge thing a little now that it was all underway. I was still a little irked about Ranger always being amused by me and Morelli always assuming the worst about me.

"Now get in the van."

The men looked at each other, then her, then down at the position they were in.

"How exactly were you planning on us managing this?" Morelli asked, staring at the rather high step up into the van in disbelief.

"Figure it out."

Sheesh, no help from her at all… Now that I was looking at it it did seem a little improbable that they'd be able to make it in easily.

After a few awkward moments where Morelli had to grab Ranger's butt to lift him off the ground so he could get them in the car, they'd tumbled inside winding up with Ranger sitting in Morelli's lap looking very uncomfortable. He was glaring at Morelli while Morelli looked back at him sheepishly.

"What can I say? It's just something about her!"

I felt my jaw drop slightly open.

"How the hell can you be _horny_ right now?!" I demanded incredulously.

"I'm a Morelli. And I'm not the only one!"

Everyone in the van looked at Ranger. He hadn't said a word the entire time he'd been here but his mouth was pressed into a tight line.

"Ranger?" I questioned, since no one else was saying anything.

Slowly he turned his head to look me in the eye for a long moment. Then even slower his mouth relaxed into a tiny helpless smirk and he shook his head slightly.

"You need a longer skirt."

We all looked down at my skirt.

"What?"

"Babe. You're wearing the Batman underwear I bought you to replace the ones Ella lost."

I felt my face heat up a little.

"You bought her underwear?!" Morelli roared at him, "You _wearing _underwear that has Ranger cooties?!"

I raised an eyebrow at him, "Ranger cooties?"

He spluttered a little in anger, "You've come to bed with me in those!"

He looked indignant, Ranger just kept smirking.

"Take them off."

"What?!"

"Take. Them. Off."

"Are you crazy?!"

"I don't want you wearing them!"

"I'll wear them if I damn well want to wear them!"

Ranger had begun to shake slightly, I had a feeling he was laughing and I wondered how long it would be until Morelli noticed too.

"Take them off now!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Ye- Are you laughing?!"

I stared at Ranger, the shaking had become more noticeable and his smirk had morphed into a smile.  
Definitely laughing. Ranger didn't respond.

Morelli shoved at Ranger with his shoulder and Ranger accidentally let a laugh escape.

"It's not funny!" Morelli growled, flailing at Ranger with both shoulders now.

Suddenly Ranger jumped and stared down at Morelli in surprise.

"Did you just… Bite me?!"

"No…" Morelli said innocently, voice muffled by Rangers shoulder as he looked up at him.

"You just- he just…" Ranger broke off and stared at me.

"Your boyfriend just bit me babe."

"You deserved it." I gave him the evil eye and turned my back on them, trying to muffle my laughter  
into my fist.

I heard Morelli sigh.

"I don't know how you get yourself into these messes Cupcake."

I sneaked a glance back at them. Ranger was watching me, still smiling slightly, and Morelli had his head leaned back against the wall.

"I don't know about the rest of her messes, but this one came about because those two-"

Ranger cut Jeanne-Ellen off, smile gone. "One more word and I'll make sure your life is ruined as soon as this little plot is over."

She scoped him out in the rearview mirror to see if he was serious. Apparently his face was serious enough for her because she blanched and kept driving.

"Do I even want to know?" Morelli asked bleakly.

"No." Ranger and I said at the same time.

"We're here."

A/N::.. Well this will have [gay sex. In the next chapter. I just need to write it and work out the kinks. But let me know what you think so far? It will be M rated for sexual situations, nudity, and probably a lot of swearing so... BEWARE.


	2. Only You Babe  Only You

**Title: Chapter 2****  
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**Rating: **M (to the max) Eventually at least lol I'm enjoying the parts leading up to it :)**  
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**Warnings: **Still no sex in this chapter yet possibly sexual situations next chapter but probably not the actual sex yet.

There will be sex between two men in a slightly forced situation (no rape but... still not quite consensual...) There will be a lot of "the f word" going around I think. And there will be a lot of Naked Ranger. And Naked Morelli. But I think Naked Ranger is more dangerous... You might melt from the hot flashes... ;)

**Spoilers: **I don't think there are any direct spoilers in this chapter either...**  
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"Where is here?" Morelli asked, peering out the window at a little cabin on a tiny lake.

"That's none of your concern." Jeanne Ellen snapped.

"We're at a lake just outside of Kinnelon." Ranger said quietly.

I don't know how he does it. It didn't even seem like he'd been paying attention to where we were going! Must come with the rest of his super powers.

"Steph would you help me get them inside?"

I shrugged as the two men turned to stare at me in disbelief. Well, I guess they had to find out I wasn't really kidnapped eventually…

"Sure, what do you want me to do?"

"Stephanie."

I looked over at Morelli and smiled sweetly.

"Yes?"

"You're not a hostage are you?"

"Not anymore."

This was followed by a moment of silence then an excessive amount of loud cussing.

Ranger was staring at me blankly.

"Babe. What are you doing?"

"Well you see I was really scared until Jeanne Ellen told me I was just the leverage and then we got doughnuts and she told me all about her plan and I called you two and you laughed at me and Morelli treated me like calamity Jane and I got mad and then Morelli acted all macho and ordered me around and I got madder and you laughed at me some more and I got even more mad and now we're here and I'm on her side." I took in a deep breath after I finished and flung myself out of the car before he could respond.

"Alright. Here's the plan. We need to go in and secure the premises. This cabin hasn't been used in a few years so we might need to clean a few things up really fast. After we finish we take them into the cabin and lock them up." Jeanne Ellen told me.

"Question. Were you planning on leaving Morelli and Ranger in the car alone unguarded while we check out the cabin?"

She stared at me like I'd grown another head, "Do you see a third person here to guard them? They're handcuffed in a locked van, they're not going anywhere and no one's getting in to help them."

"Yeah but Ranger's like batman. Don't you think he'll be able to get out of the handcuffs? And then he'll come after us because he won't just leave here quietly…"

We stood in silence for a moment trying to figure out what to do.

"I guess we should call in reinforcements…" I said finally.

I got another look that implied I had random extra appendages growing out of the wrong places, "Yeah great idea, I'm sure there are thousands of people in New Jersey who wouldn't mind getting on Rangers bad side. I mean let me just call them right up."

There was another moment of silence before I had an idea.

"Actually… I think I might just know a few people…"

"You know people crazy enough to piss off Ranger?"

"You'd be surprised what the people I know are crazy enough to do."

I punched in Lula's cell number and waited while it rang.

"Girl this better be real good, I was just about to leave the office to go do some bounty huntin'! I got a date with a real bad ass today!"

"Oh really?" This was news to me, "Who?"

"Well you remember how your Granny got all excited the last time we took her out on bounty huntin' business? And remember how she accidentally went about shootin' the skip in the foot when he badmouthed us? And then you remember how Morelli showed up and got real pissy, you two musta been fightin' again cause no man who's gettin' some is that cranky I mean hell he was practically PMSing-"

"Lula, the point?"

"Well he took Granny in for carrying concealed remember?"

Now I remembered, Grandma Mazur hadn't thought her gun had been loaded so she'd accidentally shot at the ground and managed to hit our skips foot. Lula was right, I'd just moved out of Morelli's house two days before that and he'd been in a bitch of a mood.

"Yes, yes I remember. What's the point?"

"Well Granny's court date was yesterday and she musta slept through it or somethin' cause she sure as hell didn't go showin' up in court!"

"…"

"Steph, are you still there?"

"Are you telling me my grandmother is the 'real bad ass' you're after today?"

"Well yeah! Your Granny can be downright scary sometimes! Have you seen the way she looks at Ranger?!"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Sometimes my life scared me.

"Downright horrifying. Now what was you callin' about Steph?"

"Oh, forget taking Grandma in and bring her up to the lake just outside of Kinnelon with you, I need your help."

"Oh this is gonna be good aint it! You got some high bail breaker held up in there at gun point and he won't come out so you need a big full figured woman like myself to go bustin' in there to show them who's boss? Or is you kidnapped again?"

"No, nothing like that I just need your help with something involving Ranger and Morelli, Jeanne Ellen is taking revenge on Ranger and I'm helping out."

"What?! Girl what you think I am suicidal?! I aint gonna come with you and piss of Ranger! Do you know what he would do to -"

"You'll get to see him naked."

"We'll be there in ten."

As she hung up I heard her shouting to Connie to go get her a chair to sit in cause she was having the mother of all hot flashes.

I looked at Jeanne Ellen and gave her a small smile, "We have two people on their way. One's a little large, and one's a little old, and they're both a little outlandish but they're the only people I could think of."

I opened the side door and caught Ranger wiggling his handcuffs around in intense concentration.

"Trying to escape?" I asked lightly.

The men turned and gave me a glare that made the doughnuts in my stomach jump around a little.

"They were probably just waiting for us to be stupid and go inside leaving them out here all unguarded."

I glanced at Jeanne Ellen out of the corner of my eye. That bitch just stole my insight!

I turned the squinty eye on Ranger and Morelli.

"You two better behave yourselves because we have reinforcements on their way."

They looked at each other and looked back at me, Morelli looked panicked Ranger's eyes just looked marginally wider than normal. Then with a air of dread they both looked towards the little trail we'd come in on, we could all hear the bass line of Eminem and the rev of an engine.

Morelli swung his gaze back to me, "Tell me you didn't call Lula."

Ranger slowly shook his head at Morelli, "She said reinforcements."

Morelli looked at him in confusion, "Yeah?"

"As in plural."

"Oh. Shit."

Lula's Firebird zoomed around the bend and screeched to a stop about two feet from the van. Two of the strangest people this world has ever seen leapt out.

"So where's Batman? Oh man, I'm getting' a hot flash just rememberin' what you said to me on the phone!"

This was Lula. Lula is a 200 pound plus black woman under the impression that she fits into the spandex she usually wears. She used to be a ho on Stark Street so you can imagine how she would get that impression. Now she works as a filer at Vinnie's office and she's my partner bounty hunter most of the time. She talks tough but when it comes right down to it there are only two things that make Lula run faster than the smell of fast food; Danger and police.

Today she was clad in a fluorescent yellow spandex halter top that barely contained her beach ball boobs and a tight bright green skirt that only fell about two inches below her mammoth sized ass with pink spiky heels to top it off.

"Now what's all this I'm hearing about a naked Ranger? Oh man would I like to take a peek at that man without a stitch on! He's just about the biggest studmuffin I've ever seen! I'd love to sink my teeth into that one! Where is he?"

And this was my grandmother. Grandma Mazur had moved in with my mother a few years back when her husband went to great nudie show in the sky and my parents house has never been the same. She's about as crazy as they come and my father expends a lot of effort each day to keep from steak knifing her at dinner. I definitely have a lot of Grandma Mazur in me, we get along great but then again, I don't have to live with her. She dresses like a teenager, talks about men constantly, and carries a gun in her purse at all times.

Grandma Mazur looks eccentric any day of the week and today was no exception. She was wearing a neon pink tube top that started about three quarters of the way down her chest, gravity and time had not been kind to Grandma Mazur. Her knobby knees poked out of the bottom of a tight purple skirt that fell about mid thigh and she was wearing her orthopedic shoes.

At the last voice both Ranger and Morelli's heads spun to me in open mouthed horror.

"YOU BROUGHT YOUR GRANDMA?!" Morelli roared, eye's wild.

"Naked?" Ranger managed to get out, looking slightly pale.

The reinforcements wandered over and peered into the van at Morelli and Ranger.

After a moment of silence, Lula started fanning herself, announced she need to sit down, and promptly collapsed onto the ground.

Grandma Mazur was still staring with her mouth all screwed up to the side like it does when she's thinking. Then her eyes lit up.

"Well now! I was confused at first cause you got these two delicious beefcakes handcuffed around each other and I was thinking to myself now what on earth can a girl do with that? And then I remembered seeing something that looked just like this one of those special channels a couple nights ago! It was very fascinating! Who knew that two men could do things like that!"

We all stared at Grandma Mazur.

My grandmother watched gay porn the other night. I'd heard stranger things come out of her mouth. I blinked and tried to get over it.

"Look Grandma Mazur, this isn't a gay porno on primetime alright? These ladies kidnapped Ranger and I. You've got an obligation to help us and call the police!" Morelli said to Grandma Mazur sternly.

"Shut it you, if my granddaughter kidnapped you I'm sure she had a pretty darned good reason!"

I smiled, I loved my grandma's logic. I pulled Jeanne Ellen aside so I could tell her my plan.

"Lula and I will go inside and check out the cabin. You stay here with Grandma and make sure the men don't escape, I'm pretty sure you're the only one of us who has a chance in hell of keeping them here anyways."

Jeanne Ellen nodded her assent and walked over to lean against the van.

"Lula! Get up and come on, we're going to secure the cabin." I called, "Grandma you stay here and stand guard with Jeanne Ellen."

"Alrighty Steph! I'll make sure these prisoners don't go anywhere! Just see them try!" Grandma crowed, hefting her Glock out of her purse and aiming it haphazardly at the van.

Jeanne Ellen's eyes widened in shock. Ranger and Morelli went to duck at the same time and slammed heads with a loud crack.

"Grandma! Put the gun down! Or aim it somewhere else at least! Do not shoot anyone!" I shouted, my heart beating wildly.

I walked over to the van and looked in at Ranger and Morelli. They both stared dazedly back at me.

"You two alright?"

"I hate you." Morelli mumbled.

Ranger rolled his eyes up to look at his forehead then looked back at me and didn't say anything.

"Okay then. Be right back."

As I passed Jeanne Ellen I murmured to her to keep an eye on my grandma and make sure no one got shot.

Lula and I headed up the path to the cabin.

"You ready?" I asked Lula when we got to the door.

"Hell yeah I'm ready! I was born ready! Let's go make sure this place is habitable!"

We opened the door quickly and jumped in. We stumbled around in the dark for a minute trying to find a light switch. I was the one who finally found it and seconds after I turned it on Lula let out a piercing scream and several shots rang out.

I spun around and saw Lula breathing hard with her gun out, staring into a corner I couldn't see.

"Lula?!"

"Shit."

I hesitantly walked over to her and peered into the corner.

"Shit is right."

There was a bum lying in the corner with four bullet holes in his chest. Lula skittered a little closer and nudged him with her foot.

"Think I killed him?" She asked me quietly.

"Well… He looks pretty dead to me…" I replied trying to remember to breath, "I think I need to sit down for a second I'm having a head rush."

I walked numbly over to a chair at the small wooden table and sat down.

"Huh. So what should we do with him? Toss him in the river?"

"Maybe we should just bury him out back in the leaves." I replied as I put my head between my legs and came face to face with a giant rat. Now when I say giant I mean giant. Like I'm talking mutant god damn rat here!

I shrieked loudly and flew off that chair so fast I don't think Lula even saw me till I grabbed her gun right out of her hand and let off two shots at the monster.

"What the- OH MY GOD IT'S A MUTANT RAT!"

Apparently Lula had finally seen the monster.

I had my eyes closed in fear, "Did I hit it?!"

"Hell yeah you hit that mother fucker! You hit that fucker right in the ass then you hit it again right in the head! God damn that sucker's the size of a small dog!"

I opened my eyes and peered under the chair at it. It was dead alright. I hesitantly grabbed it's tail between two of my fingers and dragged it out. Lula and I stood there for a moment and stared at, impressed by it's size.

I let out a shaky breath and turned towards the two doors.

"I guess we should check out the rest of the house."

"What the hell you talkin' about?! There could be more of those damn things!"

I turned and gave her the squinty eye, "You're not going to run away and leave me in here with a dead body a dead mutant rat and possibly more mutant rats, are you? I will never talk to you again if you leave me here alone because you're scared of the mutant rat family."

"I aint scared of no mutant rat!" Lula snorted and shoved past me to the first door. She whipped it open, let out a gasp, and shot into the room. I heard the sound of breaking glass.

"What was it this time?!" I asked, worried.

Lula let out a shaky laugh, "My bad, it was just my reflection. This here must be the bathroom. Other than the broken mirror it looks alright. That guy I shot must have cleaned it out for us already."

We stood there and regarded the last door.

"Can't be worse than a bum and a mutant rat can it?" I asked her, trying to build my courage.

"Don't kid yourself girl, there could be whole army of mutant rats behind that door and you wouldn't know till they were already on you."

We both shuddered. I reached out and tentatively opened the door and swung it open.

We jumped backwards and stared into the darkness. Suddenly four pairs of red eyes blinked open underneath what looked like a giant bed that took up almost the entire room.

"Oh shit." Lula rasped out in a terrified whisper. I backed away slowly, trying not to catch their attention. Then I knocked something off the table with a crash and we took off to the front door.

We peered around the doorjamb to see four raccoons racing towards the dead body. They were frothing at the mouth and bigger than any other raccoons I'd ever seen.

"Rabid raccoons are eating your dead bum." I said to Lula in disbelief.

"I know… That's actually kinda lucky since you know I'm pretty sure that was murder and now the raccoons is gonna eat up all the evidence." She said in a hush.

I stared at her.

"That's disgusting."

"Well yeah… but lucky!"

"Why do these things always happen to me?!" I cried and banged my head solidly against the doorjamb.

"Uh oh." Lula whispered.

"What?" I muttered about to hit my head again.

"They're staring over here now. I think you got their attention…"

I looked up. Shit Lula was right, they're all staring over here now. Their froth was red now from the dead mans blood.

"We should…" I began quietly but before I could finish they lunged towards the door.

Lula slammed the door shut and screamed.

"RUN!" I shouted back at her, I was already halfway down the driveway.

We arrived back at the van panting and out of breath.

Everyone was staring at us. Ranger was smirking at me.

"What the hell happened in there?!" Jeanne Ellen demanded.

There was a thud and everyone looked over. Lula had passed out on the ground next to me.

"Well… It was dark… and I finally found the light and turned it on… Only I guess Lula had been looking into a corner and when I turned on the light the bum lying there might have surprised her a little and she screamed and shot him four times in the chest before I even turned around… And then I had to sit down cause he was dead and I got lightheaded but when I put my head between my legs there was this giant mutant rat under my chair and so I screamed and grabbed Lula's gun and shot it twice… and then Lula flung open one of the doors and shot the mirror because she scared herself… and then… oh god… Then we opened the last door and there were four pairs of red eyes underneath the giant bed and we ran to the door and saw four rabid raccoons come racing out and start eating the dead bum… then I hit my head on the doorjamb in disbelief because things like this always happen to me and they looked up at us and charged and we slammed the door and now we're back…" I explained.

Everyone just kept staring at me.

Then Jeanne Ellen abruptly left and headed up the path to the cabin. We heard the door open. We heard a scream. Four shots rang out and Jeanne Ellen walked back down the path looking deathly pale.

"There were four rabid fucking raccoons eating a dead bum in there next to the biggest fucking rat I've ever seen."

"You didn't believe me?!" I said indignantly.

Ranger was smiling one of his full on smiles at me.

"Only you babe. Only you."

**A/N::.. okay second part up, I'll probably write the next part very soon. Reviews would be lovely :) **


	3. Why Can't I Have A Normal Girlfriend?

**Title: Why can't I have a normal girlfriend?!****  
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**Rating: **M (to the max) Eventually at least lol I'm enjoying the parts leading up to it :)**  
**

**Warnings: **Still no sex in this chapter yet possible sexual situations next chapter but probably not the actual sex yet.[sorry about the wait on the sexual stuff but I'm having trouble figuring out how to write the sex when this story is in Steph's POV and I usually write sex in the first person, I'm thinking about pulling one of those 'and I'm not sure how to tell the next part so I'm gonna hand the story telling over to Ranger/Morelli for this chapter' but let me know what you think about that

There will be sex between two men in a slightly forced situation (no rape but... still not quite consensual...) There will be a lot of "the f word" going around I think. And there will be a lot of Naked Ranger. And Naked Morelli. But I think Naked Ranger is more dangerous... You might melt from the hot flashes... ;)

**Spoilers: **I don't think there are any direct spoilers in this chapter either...**  
**

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Twenty minutes later, Lula was finally coming around and Jeanne Ellen was walking back down the driveway for the second time. 

"Wha' happened?" Lula breathed looking dazed.

"You passed out when we got back to the van after the rabid raccoons chased us." I told her.

"I have good news and bad news." Jeanne Ellen announced when she got back to the van.

"Good news is, the cabin is now entirely pest free and only waiting for us to set it up to our purposes."

We all looked at her, waiting for the bad news.

"The bad news…. I don't know what to do with the dead bum."

Rangers shoulders started to shake again and Morelli began to bang his head back against the side of the car.

"Why can't I have a normal girlfriend?! Why do I have to love the girl who kidnaps men and has friends who murder innocent bums?!"

My eye began to twitch slightly.

"Girlfriend?!"

His head stopped banging and he looked at me strangely.

"…yes? Unless you went to Mexico and are now my boyfriend? Should I call you Stephan now?"

I felt my face heat up and gave up on deep breathing.

"Well I got news for you _Cupcake_" I said scathingly, "We're not dating anymore, how's that?! Now you don't have a crazy girl who may or may not have gone to Mexico as your girlfriend and Bob can just go take care of his own damn MISSING me next time he misses me cause I sure as hell aint coming over to your place anymore!"

"Okay _Stephan_." Morelli sneered at me then turned to Ranger, "And quit your fuckin' LAUGHING!"

And he bit Ranger on the shoulder again. Ranger jumped like he had last time and turned his head to stare at me.

"Your as of now ex-boyfriend just bit me again babe. You might want to get that checked out."

Morelli let out a howl and began flailing at him, "And quit calling her Babe you stupid batman wannabe!"

Everyone froze and watched the spectacle. Ranger was doing his best to avoid the flailing appendages but being handcuffed around the owner of said flailing appendages, it was understandably rather difficult.

"Babe, your Italian Stallion has lost it." Ranger called to me over the chaos that was Morelli.

"I SAID STOP CALLING HER BABE!"

We all collectively turned away from the scene.

"Wow." Lula said.

"That pretty much sums it up." I agreed.

"Uh guys, I hate to be a downer but we have a dead bum in the cabin and time is wasting!" Jeanne Ellen reminded us.

"I have another idea…" I said. It was crazy and dangerous but it just might work.

I walked back over to the van and watched the shoulder fight for a moment, waiting for my opening. When Ranger finally head butted Morelli I saw my chance. Ranger'd had to lean forward to hit Morelli's head and this had exposed his back pocket where the bulge of a cell phone was clearly defined. Morelli was slumped back against the side of the van unconscious so I silently climbed into the van and pressed myself against Ranger's back.

I had to practice deep breathing again when I remembered how bad it was to provoke Ranger like this but I had no other choice. He'd jumped slightly at first contact and stayed tense as he glanced back over his shoulder at me.

"What are you doing babe?"

I smiled to mask my nerves and leaned in close to his ear and whispered in what I like to think was a sexy whisper, "That was a nice head bang, superhero."

I felt his body shiver a little then saw him smirk, "It was alright, but my other head bangs better."

My eyes widened and my heart started to beat a million miles above stroke level. See what I meant about it being bad to provoke him? He's better than me at this!

He laughed softly when he saw how flustered I was and I forced my heart to slow down and get back to business.

"I know it does." I murmured, looking up at him through my heavily mascara'd eyelashes with as innocent an expression as I could manage. He had time to raise one eyebrow in surprise and I had time to shout at myself that this was crazy and would never work before I leaned in and planted one right on him.

After a moment of trying to pull away he started kissing back and everything started spinning, I'd forgotten to take how amazing he was at kissing into consideration before I'd started this plan. Plan… I know there was a plan here but I just can't seem to remember what it was… Mmm Ranger…

There was a slight groan from my left and Ranger tried to back away a little murmuring something about Morelli. Sure enough I peeked out of one eye and saw Morelli shifting a little with his eyes still closed.

Shit! I hadn't gotten the phone yet! I pushed myself forward to Rangers lips again and he gave me look that said he thought I was crazy.

"What do you want, Morelli to kill us?" he asked muffled against my lips.

I stroked my hand down his back, towards his pocket, sensuously and his eyes slid shut as he went back to kissing my brains away. Focus, I told my brain angrily and I continued sliding my hand down his back till it reached his back pocket. I made the pretense of groping his ass while I slipped my hand into his pocket.

My fingers closed around the phone's antenna and the Halleluiah chorus broke out in my head complete with little angels and harps. He bit my lip and I almost let go of the antenna.

"What the…" came a startled voice from our left.

I sprang away from Ranger and he shifted as far away from me as he could looking at the now awake and pissed off Morelli than at me again. Then his gaze snapped to the phone still grasped in my hand.

"Did you just steal my phone?!" Ranger asked incredulously.

He craned his neck back and tried to get a glimpse of his back pocket.

"Did you just make out with my girlfriend?!"

Ranger and I shouted at him at the same time.

"_SHE_ MOLESTED _ME_ AND STOLE MY PHONE YOU FUCKING SINGLE-MINDED MORON!"

"I'M NOT YOUR GODDAMNED GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE!"

Morelli looked from one of us to the other then turned his glare on Ranger, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Ranger stared at him, then the phone I was still holding.

"Are you forgetting that the phone she's holding was our only way out?" He reminded him blankly.

"Well she wouldn't have gotten the goddamned phone if you hadn't made out with her!" Morelli growled back.

"I already told you! She started it!"

"Well obviously! She was doing it to steal your phone!"

They glared angrily at each other for a minute and I decided now would be a good time to sneak out.

"And where the hell do you think you're going with my phone?" Ranger demanded.

"We're calling Tank to get rid of the body…"

"Tank won't get rid of any bodies without my express permission."

"He'll believe me when I say you told me to call him then took off, leaving me with your cellphone because mine exploded."

"Your cellphone didn't explode."

"Yeah but anyone would believe it did if I told them it did. My things explode all the time."

"…"

"What?!"

"Babe…"

I growled and leapt out of the van, slamming the door and stalking back to the small group of conspirators.

There was shouting coming from the van and it was rocking wildly. I flipped open the phone and called Tank.

"…"

"Tank?"

"Bombshell?"

"Yeah. I have a problem."

"What's up?"

"Well Lula may or may not have killed a bum on account of he scared her and now we need to get rid of the body."

"I'm gonna need Ranger's clearance on this."

I glared toward the van, "Look Tank. I'm not having a very good day. Lula killed someone, I got attacked by a mutant rat and several rabid raccoons, and my phone was destroyed. Ranger just left me here with his cellphone and told me to call you to get rid of the body. Isn't the fact that I have his cellphone clearance enough?!"

"Well… I suppose I could bring Cal out and we'll collect the body. Where are you guys?"

"The lake just outside Tinnelon."

"Isn't that Jeanne Ellen's place?"

"Yes…"

"Better hope she doesn't catch you, she hates you."

"She's with us."

"You're one of a kind Bombshell."

"Is that all?"

_Click_

"Alright guys, Tank is on his way." I announced to the other women.

Everyone stared at me. Jeanne Ellen smacked herself in the forehead, "What the hell did you call that big oaf for?!"

"Hey! I'm takin' offense for that there remark! Tank aint no oaf!" Lula interrupted.

"Ranger's Merry Men are the only guys I know of that can make a dead body disappear in minutes. Which is what we need." I explained.

"Don't you think Ranger'll make a racket so Tank will find him?"

I grinned deviously, toted my grandmother over to the van, and put her in the front seat. I gave her my stun gun and a stern look.

"Grandma I want you to make sure the boys stay absolutely silent when Tank gets here. If they make any sort of move towards alerting him to their presence I want you to stun them."

"You can count on me! I'll show these boys how to stay quiet!"

And she reached out and tagged Morelli on the arm with the stun gun.

"Grandma! What are you doing?"

"I didn't think it was on I was just aiming to scare him a little… Well that's pretty dang cool…"

And she reached out and tagged Ranger in the arm with it too. Ranger'd tried to scuttle out of reach but with Morelli as dead weight he couldn't move quite far enough.

"Think I can get Ranger undressed before he wakes up?"

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Sometimes my grandmother was a trial. I took a deep breath and shrugged at her.

"You can try, but if either of them start to wake up you better tag them again because if they wake up while you're taking their clothes off they're bound to scream… Leave their underwear on if you can control yourself enough, okay?"

And I left them at her mercy. I know I'm a horrible person but Tank was gonna be there at any minute!

Lula was staring at the van in horror.

"You sure it's a good idea to leave her in there with them?!"

"She'll keep them quiet…"

"That aint what I was talkin' about!"

I shrugged and turned towards the road Tank's black SUV was entering from.

He got out and strode over to us with his hands in his pockets.

"Where's the body?"

I pointed up towards the cabin and he started walking up the path to the door, Cal following behind him with a big black bag.

Minute's later they were back, dragging the big black and now full bag behind them. They tossed it in the trunk and Cal hopped back into the car. Tank was angling himself back into the drivers seat when a piercing scream came from the van. After two seconds it was cut off abruptly and we all stared at the van in shock.

Tank looked from us to the van and back to us.

"Maybe I should go take a look in that van…" He said slowly.

"NO!" All three of us shouted.

He jumped and looked back at us, "Why not?"

"It's… My grandma…" I didn't need to say anymore judging by the look on his his face and the way he was edging back towards his SUV.

"WHAT THE-"

We all looked over at the van again as another shout was cut off.

Tank looked from me to the van and back again, "That sorta sounded like Ranger..."

He shifted towards the van again reluctantly.

"She's watching porn."

Who said that?! That wasn't me was it? Oh dear god tell me I didnt just say that. Everyone was staring at me in horror. Whoops...

Tank looked like he was watching a car crash but he wasn't running away like I needed him to before Morelli woke up again so I decided to try and make it worse.

"Bondage porn. With two men. One of them actually looks just like Ranger, go ahead and see for yourself!" I smiled invitingly at him.

He looked sick as he turned, jumped into the car, and peeled away.

I walked over to the van and shouted to my grandma, "We're coming in Grandma get back in the front seat and come on out!"

The front door opened and my grandma hopped out looking rather flushed.

"Oh my, that Ranger fellow sure is hung like a horse isn't he!"

**A/N::.. Yay part three up! Hope this one was as funny as the others :) Feed the author reviews and she'll get you another part soon :D**


	4. Do I Look Like A Dog To You?

**Title: Do I look like a dog to you?****  
**

**Rating: **M (to the max) as of next chapter most likely.**  
**

**Warnings: **No sex yet, bit of swearing...

There will be sex between two men in a slightly forced situation (no rape but... still not quite consensual...) And there will be a lot of Naked Ranger. And Naked Morelli. But I think Naked Ranger is more dangerous... You might melt from the hot flashes... ;)

**Spoilers: **No direct spoilers still...**  
**

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With a certain amount of dread, I slid back the door on the van and peered in at Morelli and Ranger.

They were both in boxers still, thank god, although Ranger's were admittedly a little crooked. They looked almost peaceful… slumped there with their eyes closed and the tension gone from their bodies…drooling…

Okay maybe they didn't quite look peaceful they looked closer to half dead but hey, who am I to judge?

Morelli stirred first. His eyes slowly opened in confusion then, as everything rushed back to him, horror claimed his features.

"Tell me I was dreaming when I woke up and saw your grandma peeking into Ranger's boxers."

I blinked away a grimace and glanced at Ranger. Still out like a light.

"What the- WHERE THE HELL ARE _MY _CLOTHES?!"

"Babe."

I looked down at Ranger again and saw he had one eye cracked open, staring up at me.

"Tell me I was hallucinating when I woke up and saw your grandmother comparing our… equipment."

I rolled my eyes upward and sighed as Morelli started shouting again.

"COMPARING OUR _WHAT_?! AS IN _TOUCHING_?!"

He gave me a look of death, "If your grandmother touched anything on my body that the word 'equipment' could possibly apply to I'm going to kill her."

Heheh… I stuck my head out the door and looked at my grandmother.

"Hey Grandma? Did you… touch anything?"

"Well of course I did! Can't get a real judge of size without touching them! Of course they were a little floppy…"

Both men turned slightly green and stared downwards in horror.

"I'm judging by the fact that you only commented on Ranger that the Italian Stallion has been out-horsed?"

"You got it! I was a little surprised what with all the buzz around town being that Morelli's the most amazing lay a woman could ever wish to have, but Ranger's is bigger! I guess it comes from being a superhero…"

Morelli looked furious but he kept his mouth firmly shut this time.

"If I wasn't so grossed out right now I'd probably find parts of this funny." Ranger said quietly, still looking a little green.

I laughed a little and hopped back out of the van.

"Wait! Aren't you giving us our clothes back?!" Morelli shouted after me.

"Mmmmmm no?"

"…Why?"

"Well I'd just have to take them off again for you later anyways so we'll just leave them off."

That was met by silence so I guessed I was good to walk away now.

"So what's on the agenda next?" I asked Jeanne Ellen.

"We should probably get them inside soon… Maybe we should set up first?"

I nodded, it seemed like a good idea to get the place ready before taking them inside…

"Ooooh I can't wait to see what you got planned for them two!" Lula crowed, rubbing her hands together in anticipation as we headed over to the back of the van. 

I was pretty curious myself as well since I only knew the brief outline of the plan. I knew none of the specifics and had no clue how we were going to get them to do what we wanted them to do. Personally I was thinking it was possibly a little _im_possible but maybe Jeanne Ellen had some trick up her sleeve… like mind control…

She whipped open the back doors of the van and lifted several large duffel bags out and began to lug them up to the cabin telling Lula to watch Grandma and the van while her and I set things up.

We walked in the door and turned the light on. Everything looked clean, everything that was in the big main room had been pushed to the side so it was mostly open. I glanced at the corner where the body had been and stared for a minute. I knew there'd been a body there less than an hour ago but there were no signs of it left. Even the huge blood stains that should have been there were gone. I shook my head, I don't know how Ranger's men do it.

I heard the sounds of a duffel being emptied onto the floor and sucked in a gasp. Multiple pairs of handcuffs. A medieval looking device. Shackles. Several ceiling hooks. Two electric dog collars.

Wait…

"Electric dog collars?!" I asked, staring at Jeanne Ellen like she was an alien.

"Yeah, to help keep them under control and do what we want them to do."

I shrugged, it made sense in a weird creepy way. Most people might need mind control but Jeanne Ellen had the sense to just bring electric collars…

"So… Where do you think we should put the hooks?" I asked her staring up at the wide expanse of flawless white.

"Towards the middle of the room, I'll get you a chair."

We picked a spot right in the middle of the room and I climbed onto the chair, I was about to start screwing in the hook when a loud shriek came from the direction of the van.

I was off the chair and racing down the driveway in seconds flat after telling Jeanne Ellen to finish setting up while I investigated but I stopped short at the sight that awaited me.

Lula was sitting on Joe's chest, panting and fanning herself as Joe gasped for breath. Grandma had Ranger cornered against the van with the stun gun, he was leaning against it with his hands up in the universal signal for surrender.

"What… Happened?" I asked slowly.

"Get…her off me… I can't breathe…" Morelli wheezed at me from the ground.

"How you know he aint gonna move once I get my full figured ass off his chest?" Lula pointed out.

"You aren't going to have to worry about him moving after that one." Ranger drawled from his position against the van.

I thought Ranger was right, Morelli might be squashed like a bug right now… And he really looked about to pass out from oxygen deprivation…

"I think it'll be alright Lula, go ahead and get up."

"Well alright, I'm havin' one hell of a hot flash anyways."

And she heaved herself off him. Morelli didn't move, just sat there and breathed, slowly turning back to a normal color rather than the slightly purple complexion he'd had whilst being sat on.

We all just sat there for about twenty minutes, I took advantage of the time to explain to Lula what I knew about the plan and then spent the extra 15 minutes I had after I finished explaining trying to revive Lula after she passed out.

Finally Jeanne Ellen came back down the driveway with a huge grin split across her face and the two dog collars in her hand.

"It's finished! Let's get these on them and then we'll head up to the cabin!"

Ranger stared at the collars in Jeanne Ellen's hand then at her, "You're not putting a dog collar on me."

We all looked at him.

"Wanna bet?" She asked tightly, smiling angrily at him.

He glared at her and she looked at me, "You put on Ranger's collar and I'll do Morelli's."

Excuse me?!

She wants _me _to put the collar on the dangerous unrestrained pissed off superhero?!

"He won't hurt _you_." She pointed out.

"That's what you think," I grumbled, taking the collar from her and heading over to Ranger.

He stared at me, entire body humming with tension.

"Stephanie."

"Sorry Ranger."

"Do I look like a dog to you?"

"No, you've actually always reminded me more of a cat…"

"You're crazy. Don't come near me or Jeanne Ellen's wrong, I _will _subdue you and get the hell out of he-"

Mid sentence Ranger slid down the car and hit the ground, out cold. I guess he hadn't been paying any attention to Grandma sidling up to him while he was arguing with me.

"That'll teach YOU to threaten my granddaughter!"

I gave my grandma a high five and bent to buckle the collar on quickly since Ranger was already starting to twitch awake.

Jeanne Ellen tossed me one of the activators for the collars, "That one should be Morelli's, just push the button if he misbehaves."

"Cupcake, I'm feeling a little like Bob here…"

I glanced at Joe then down at the little remote in my hand. I suppose I oughtta check it to make sure it's on… As I debated the pros and possible cons of pushing the little button we began slowly walking towards the door.

Morelli stumbled with a yelp and slapped a hand to his neck. He stopped and turned to glare at me.

"What the hell was that for?!"

I looked down at the remote and saw my finger was pressed down on the button. Now when had I done that?

I grinned sheepishly at him, "I guess I wasn't sure if it was on or not…"

Morelli shook his head and started grumbling about stupid women who treated men like stupid dogs.

I narrowed my eyes at him and pushed the button again.

"Fuck! Cut that out!"

"Maybe the women wouldn't treat you like a stupid dog if you _weren't _a stupid dog!"

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?!"

"I saw your goddamned car parked outside the motel with hers right next to it!"

"Heh…You mean Terry's?"

A slow grin slid over his face. 

I clenched my fist around the little remote and felt a little wheel on the side dig into my palm. I examined it as he started walking again and my eyes lit up, I turned it as far up as it would go and smiled evilly at his back as I pushed the button again.

He tripped and went sprawling onto the concrete, howling and slapping at his neck the whole way down.

"You're fucking crazy!"

"Steph… calm down you might give him brain damage…" Jeanne Ellen said soothingly to me.

Soothing my ass! I narrowed my eyes at her, "He doesn't have a brain to damage."

Morelli shakily climbed to his feet and started walking again, teeth gritted together in anger.

Lula pried my fingers away from the remote and took it from me cautiously.

"I'm thinking maybe I should man the remote for a bit…"

I just nodded and focused on watching Ranger's ass. That should cheer me up. I was halfway to calm already.

"Babe."

I glanced up and flushed as I realized Ranger was staring at me over his shoulder.

"What?" I snapped.

"You're staring at my ass."

We looked at each other for a minute then I shrugged and went back to staring, "It's very calming."

"My ass is calming?"

He sounded confused and I glared at him.

"Yes."

He shook his head and grinned as he turned his head back to the front. Lula dropped back next to me and stared at Ranger's butt for a few seconds with me.

"Girl, I don't what the hell you talkin about, cause I aint feelin no calm, I'm feelin one hell of a hot flash comin' on!"

I just laughed as Lula walked up past Ranger again to ward off the flash. Jeanne Ellen opened the door and we all trooped inside.

Everyone froze and looked around in shock. Somehow in the space of twenty minutes Jeanne Ellen had turned this place into a sex haven. There where hooks in the ceiling with handcuffs dangling from them, shackles on the floor, camera's set up in strategic places, a four poster wrought iron bed in the dead bum's corner.

Wait, where the hell had she gotten a bed?!

On closer inspection I realized it was the bed from the rabid raccoon room.

The men were staring with wide eyes at all of this. Morelli seemed to be speechless. Ranger finally turned to Jeanne Ellen, suspicion in his eyes, "Just what exactly _is_ your plan here?"

"Oh, I didn't tell you?" she said, innocence flashing in her eyes, "We're making porn. You and Morelli are the stars."

Ranger turned and made for the door, luckily I was standing right next to it and took a step in front of it. He stopped about two inches from me and I could feel the heat from his body.

"Babe, you're gonna have to move out of my way."

I shook my head no cause I didn't trust my voice when he was this close. His hands closed around my waist and in seconds I was in the air and being gently placed behind him.

"You aint going nowhere batman. Don't even try that macho shit with me, you aint movin' me an inch. I'm blockin' this here door, I'm blockin' the hell out of it!"

Lula was standing where I'd been, blocking the door better than I ever could have and even though Ranger was a superhero I was pretty sure he couldn't lift Lula out of the way.

Ranger stood there tense for a moment, then he turned around and leveled a glare at me that would have made lesser women faint. Okay, so my knees were knocking and I was pretty sure I just wet my pants but I was still standing and that was something, right?

"Babe?"

I backed a few feet away, "Yeah?"

I kept backing up and ran into Morelli, who by the looks of it was still shocked.

"Cupcake?"

I glanced over my shoulder at Morelli again, maybe not speechless anymore, he actually look really pissed now.

"I am not making porn with _him_!" They both growled, and then, at the same time, they both jumped and slapped their hands to their necks and turned to glare at Jeanne Ellen.

"Yes you are. That is, unless you _liked _that shock… I can make them stronger if you really want me to."

The two captives looked at each other and Morelli gulped audibly.

"Shit."

**A/N::.. Yay part four up:) Okay, I just want to make sure everyone is clear on this. **

**This story is going to be M rated as of next chapter probably, so if you can't find it check the M section.  
**

**There is going to be sex in it. **

**Not just sex, Ranger and Morelli sex. **

**Graphic... Ranger and Morelli sex... **

**None of that romance novel shit with the "pebbled nipples" this and the "engorged manhood" that but if you're uncomfortable reading the guy on guy part I'll let you know in the warning section at the top what will be included in that chapter and you can just skip over the making out and sex. **

**Next chapter you can expect some making out for sure, and possibly the blow job scene. The real sex will wait till part 6. That's all :)  
**

**Feed the author reviews and she'll get you another part soon :D**


	5. I Hate You

**Title: **I Hate You.

**Warnings: **Well. They finally make out ;) That's it for this chapter though. You'll see it coming so if you want to skip it you'll know when to stop reading.

**Spoilers: **None this chapter either.

Sorry about the wait guys, have fun!

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"Mmmm… You guys look a little uncomfortable." I said, stating the obvious just for something to say because no one had said a word in about ten minutes.

Lula, my grandmother, Jeanne Ellen and I were sitting in a half circle around Joe and Ranger who were sitting extremely stiffly side by side pointedly staring at the ground. I don't think they could have looked more uncomfortable if they were naked in front of the police station.

Joe moved for the first time since he'd sat down to stare blankly at me.

"Uncomfortable?" He managed to get out. His face worked for a minute and he started to turn a rather unflattering shade of red, "_Uncomfortable?!_"

I cringed, usually when his face looked like that and his voice cracked like that while it scaled an octave I ran for the door because Joseph Morelli is not someone you want to make angry. I calmed myself by reminding myself that _he _was the one in the electric collar here.

"Babe." I glanced over at Ranger and saw that he was giving me the same blank stare minus all the out of control anger. Ranger always had his anger in very tight control but I had a feeling he was in his Zen zone smashing chairs right this second.

"We're in nothing but boxers, we have electric dog collars on, and we were just informed that porn a la Ranger and Morelli is on the menu for tonight. I think uncomfortable is a bit of an understatement."

I shrugged, "Understandable."

I turned to Jeanne Ellen, she had her eyes closed and a wicked smile danced on her face, "Maybe we should give them back their clothes."

The smile turned into a frown and she opened one eye to give me a cold stare, "No."

I heard Lula shift next to me, "Yeah, Yeah I'm thinking Steph here's got a point. If we're makin' porn here like you said, don't it got to have all that leadin' into shit before the naked on the floor together parts?"

Jeanne Ellen's other eye shifted open and she looked over at Lula with slight interest, "Foreplay."

"Yeah that's the word!" Lula exclaimed.

"Yes."

She reached under her chair and grabbed the clothes, tossing them at the guys. They were staring at us in a sort of mute horror.

"Put your clothes back on so we can get started."

Morelli opened his mouth to object but when he saw Jeanne Ellen's finger hovering over the button to his collar he thought better of it and grudgingly began putting his clothes back on.

I glanced over and realized my grandma was asleep in her chair, head lolled forward, drooling a little. Oh well, she's not as young as us. I'd just give her a tape later.

"Alright move over to the door." Jeanne Ellen ordered gesturing threateningly with the remotes.

Once the men were by the door we looked at each other.

"So, what we gonna do with 'em now?" Lula asked.

I looked back, I was as stumped as her. We looked over at Jeanne Ellen. She was staring at them in speculation.

"Morelli should be the instigator, the one in charge."

Joe looked like he was holding back a smirk but I wasn't sure, Ranger on the other hand was slightly out of character, staring at us with his eyes slightly bugging out. I had a feeling Lula and I were doing pretty good impressions of him while we looked at her too.

"What you talkin' about? Where your head at?! Batman aint no bottom! Sides everyone knows the cop's got the best ass in the city!"

I silently agreed with Lula but I held my tongue, waiting for the response.

"Oh no, you misunderstand, I never said Morelli wasn't going to be the bottom. I just meant he's the one who's going to start the situation."

I saw Joe's jaw tighten. If I wasn't so busy holding in laughter I might have felt bad for him.

"Ranger, get your eyeballs back in their sockets where they belong. It's freaking me out."

His face relaxed into the unemotional mask he normally wore.

"Much better. Now lean against the wall next to the door. Morelli I want you to get in close and full body pin him, placing your hands on either side of his head."

"Excuse me?!"

"You heard me Morelli, now do it or I'll zap you again."

My mouth went dry as I watched Joe stalk forward and lean into Ranger, Ranger tipped his head back against the wall to get more space and before I knew what I was doing I'd whipped my phone out and taken a picture.

I almost drooled. The picture had taken the whole pose out of context, Morelli's anger look more like passion in the picture and Ranger looked like he'd just had his neck sucked on and it was just -

"Whatcha doin' with the phone?" Lula said from behind me.

I jumped and mashed a bunch of buttons as I hid it against my chest.

"I might have accidentally taken a picture so shhhh I don't want them to know!" I hissed.

Her eyes lit up, "Now I know you're fixin' to show me that picture…"

"Will you be quiet if I do?"

She nodded solemnly.

I hesitantly tilted the phone away from my chest and peeked at the screen.

Pix Message sent to: Connie :)

Wait, what?

I looked up at Lula with wide eyes and squeaked in horror.

"Girl, that picture's gonna be all over town in a second flat! What the hell you thinkin?!"

"SHHHHHH! Oh my god. Oh My God. OHMIGOD!"

I started hyperventilating.

"It was an accident! You snuck up on me and I mashed a bunch of buttons! OH GOD!"

My phone beeped and I nearly jumped out of my skin. It was a reply txt from Connie. I pushed the open button trying to quell my panic.

OHMIGOD IS THAT RANGER AND MORELLI?! HOLY SHIT!

I rapidly txted her back.

Yes that's Ranger and Morelli and DON'T TELL ANYONE.

Lula and I waited with bated breath for the reply.

Uh oh…

My insides liquefied and Lula hissed a bunch of swear words.

Define Uh Oh.

Uh Oh: Meaning I already might have possibly forwarded it to my address book…

"Fuck!" I breathed.

Lula looked at me with the same amount of horror I was feeling. Connie had practically the entire city in her phone book. Including my mother. Including… I gasped and spun to stare at Ranger, whose phone was ringing loudly in the pocket I had replaced it in after Tank had left.

"Babe, you wanna tell me how it is that Connie just txted me a picture of Morelli and I when she's back at the office?"

My phone rang and I answered it without thinking, trying to avoid Ranger.

"STEPHANIE! WHAT IS THIS PICTURE CONNIE JUST SENT ME OF THAT RAMBO GUY AND JOSEPH AND WHY WAS IT FORWARDED AFTER BEING SENT TO HER BY YOU?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE NEIGHBORS WILL SAY?!"

I was speechless. So I did what any daughter would do when their mother was calling to ask them about pornographic pictures they'd taken. I faked static and hung up, turning my phone off for good measure.

Morelli didn't look like he was breathing.

"Joe?" I asked timidly, "Are you breathing?"

"Half the police force is in Connie's phonebook."

"Oh… Would it help if I said I was really really sorry?"

"I'm going to kill you."

"I'll take that as a no…"

Jeanne Ellen was laughing behind her hand and Ranger looked like he'd just swallowed a bug.

"Jeanne Ellen maybe we could get back to work here…" I said irritably. This shit always happens to me.

She nodded and moved to turn the cameras on. We all stepped back, leaving Joe and Ranger in the little circle of cameras.

"I gave them brief instructions while you and Lula were over there whispering, let's see how much they don't want to be shocked."

Lula and I nodded distractedly, eyes fixed on the stars. Morelli had moved a few steps away and Ranger had stepped away from the wall a little bit.

"Action!"

Morelli took several strides towards Ranger and shoved him roughly into the wall, looking frustrated, as he pinned him seemingly effortlessly. Ranger struggled a little so Joe used the rest of his weight to hold him in place, weight resting on his hands which were back in position.

He hesitated when he was about an inch from Ranger's face, indecision flashing across his face.

Slowly a smirk settled on his face. Dipping his head a little, he trailed his tongue up Ranger's jawbone and I saw Ranger swallow hard. He looked at Morelli out of the corner of his eye, looking slightly apprehensive.

Joe slowly moved back so he was face to face with Ranger, they stared at each other for a moment then, with no warning at all, Joe's lips slammed into Ranger's with enough force to push Ranger's head back into the wall with a loud crack. Ranger look slightly taken aback for about a millisecond, then he seemed to realize Joe taking advantage of his surprise and was controlling the kiss. His eyes narrowed in aggravation as he started to kiss back.

Morelli bit Ranger's lip, making him take a sharp breath and used it to force his tongue into Ranger's mouth. Ranger lifted his hands to Joe's shoulders, pushing at them as he started struggling again. I saw Jeanne Ellen's finger twitch on Ranger's remote but before she could push the button, Morelli had grabbed Ranger's forearms and forced them back to the wall.

Ranger groaned, sounding irritated, and stopped struggling, kissing back with less ferocity. It wasn't because he wasn't being forceful it was more because no one could beat Joe in a competition for anger kissing. He'd always had a lot of anger and he was excellent at taking it all and putting it into whatever he was doing, including kissing. Especially kissing.

I had to remember to breathe while I watched, captivated. It was almost animalistic in a way, Joe seemed to be going more for bruising Ranger's lips than kissing them. It was kinda hot...

There was a thump next to me and I glanced down to see Lula conked out on the ground. Guess she couldn't handle that hot flash…

Morelli's hips slanted inward, pushing against Ranger's roughly, and Ranger gasped, jerking his head back into the wall again.

"S-Stop." Ranger breathed raggedly, head still against the wall.

"Shut up." Joe growled, he smirked again and leaned down to Ranger's exposed neck.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say he just bit Ranger… for the third time today.

Ranger gasped and bit his lip, "Would you quit biting me?!"

There was the slight sound of sucking and I had a feeling Ranger wasn't going to be too happy with his new Morelli Hickey. Half the girls in the state had had them before but I was pretty sure Ranger was the first guy. Lucky him…

"Morelli if that leaves a mark I'm going to shoot you."

The threat would probably have had much more of an effect if it hadn't been said through clenched jaw.

Morelli finished with his neck, slid his lips back up Ranger's throat, and laughed softly in Ranger's ear then stiffened.

Ranger pulled a terrible fake surprised look and said, "What the-"

They both stayed frozen for a moment and no one said anything as Jeanne Ellen started walking around to turn the camera's off.

They sprang away from each other and Morelli spat on the floor while Ranger rubbed at his bruised lips slightly, glaring at Joe.

Lula shifted slightly behind me, starting to come to, and Ranger turned his head to look at her.

I slapped my hand over my mouth and began to giggle helplessly. He slowly turned his gaze to me and followed my line of sight, slapping his hand over the side of his neck.

"That… is the biggest… hickey I have ever… in my entire life seen…" I managed to get out between laughter.

His face was the picture of horror. Then he turned and tackled Morelli to the ground.

"I'm going to kill you!" He shouted, punching Joe in the stomach.

"I thought you were going to shoot me!"

"I don't have a fucking gun you fucking moron! If I had a fucking gun do you think I'd have fucking let any of this happen?!"

They fought for a few more minutes before Jeanne Ellen zapped them.

"Cut it out! If either of you have any bruises from this I'll shoot you both! I can't have you two sprouting mysterious bruises randomly throughout the movie!"

Suddenly Ranger groaned and an expression worthy of someone witnessing the senseless slaughter of puppy dogs and kittens stole over his face, "Goddammit Morelli, I'm going to go back to work tomorrow. What the hell are my men going to think with that picture Connie sent to everyone and this giant mother fucker on my neck?!"

I lost all composure and began laughing hysterically. I could just picture Tank, Cal, Lester, and the rest of the men staring at it but too afraid to say anything to Ranger himself so they'd just whisper to each other about it when they thought he wasn't looking. They'd never let him live it down.

"Man is that soooooome hickey you got there. Musta happened when I passed out from that flash… Tank is gonna love that, you never gonna live this down!"

And there was Lula right on cue, waking up with perfect timing as usual.

His face settled into a dark glare as Joe started to laugh a little too.

"I hate you."

**A/N::.. **Hey guys, hope you liked it, I think you get the general trend of this story by now so you should know what to expect. What did you guys think of the Ranger Morelli make out? Was it decent? I'm pretty sure it's the only one on here so I want to make sure I'm not feeding you guys crap!


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